Failed a drug test? Got the commish breathin’ down your neck? Never fear – I got you covered!
French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced an international tribunal that his positive drug test for cocaine was because of “making out with a mystery woman,” in a nightclub. The tribunal agreed and lifted his two-year ban, only two months in.
This got me thinking, if one sports star can use an unbelievably lame, pull-it-outta-my-ass excuse to get out of a lengthy suspension, why it couldn’t work for high-profile athletes in other sports?
So as you are walking the Green Mile to the commish’s office to talk about why the sample you turned in tested hot for more drugs than opening night at a Phish show, here are some pre-made excuses, broken down by illegal substance.
EXCUSE: ”No, sir.”
“The guy with the glow sticks said the ‘E’ was for “EX-tra Innings!”
EXCUSE: “No, no, Mr. Selig.”
“What the detective said was that I was caught FOR speeding.”
EXCUSE: “I was just preparing for life after ball, commish.”
“You see, I have been contracted by Nutrisystem, and I really wanted to make my ‘before’ picture look legit.”
EXCUSE: “No sir, it’s not pot.”
“I bought it for my cat, and the guy that sold it to me said it was cheaper to buy in bulk.”
EXCUSE: “What gun?”
“That hole in my leg was already there!”
EXCUSE: “I just couldn’t take the pain of an American Idol season without Paula.”
EXCUSE: “No, no, I was just rehearsing for my part in the soon-to-be-released Scarface: The Musical.”
EXCUSE: “It was Doc Ellis Appreciation Night.”
DRUG: Female Fertility Drugs
EXCUSE: “I mean, it was just…(cough), uh on the label it said uh… 50 games, right boss?”